Welcome to List-0-Roma Fridays. This list is inspired by Herman Cain and the explanations he’s issued to clear his wandering Willie Wonka. That some people allow him to get away with it is amazing. But to the general public beware, these excuses only work if you are running for President. Any average Joe that attempts these explanations is setting himself up for a cast iron skillet upside his head.
I have an addiction to love
There is no doubt that men love sex. We think about it often and the amount of porn in the world illustrates just how much we love it. So in some form or fashion, we are addicted to sex. But don’t translate your inability to not think about sex to not controlling where you stick your Willie Wonka.
The sex addict excuse is like capital gains tax deductions; it’s only for the rich and famous. I’m almost sure a psychologist will tell you that unless you are worth seven-figures it is virtually impossible to suffer from sex addiction.
Slippin’ Into Darkness
People slip and fall in the snow. They may slide on the ice and hurt themselves. Heck, a newly mopped floor is cause for concern. But there just isn’t a way to accidently fall into the fruit pie of another woman. At some point you were actively engaged with the other woman.
She Came on to Me
In no way should ever attempt to use this excuse. Even if you are on male super model status and with the pecks of a god, this will not work. Now, if you are in a position where you have rodies, a tour bus and no one thinks twice when walk out of the house wearing tight leather pants.
That’s right, rock stars, athletes and movies start named George Clooney can use this. But you, middle-class-working-class guy who stock portfolio is consists of you 401k holdings CANNOT use this excuse. You are not THAT DUDE. And here is an easy test to confirm this. The next time you walk into a hotel lobby, look around and ask yourself two questions: 1) are there groupies pining for you 2) are there paparazzi’s taking picture of you. If the answer to both of these questions is no, you are not allowed to use this excuse.
You Say She’s Just A Friend
Men and women can be friends. And you may at times have lunch with a female friend and you may even by them a drink occasionally at an after work function. But under no circumstances do you ever utter the words “helped her financially”, “just helped with her rent”, or “gave her money for her bills” with regards to your female friend.
You are not Herman Cain. And not even Herman Cain believes what he is saying. Men do not, have not and will not financially support a female friend they are not trying to smash.
Because I love America
This only works for Newt Gingrich and CIA agents. You screwing your secretary is not a matter of national security. It could be that you are living a double life and maybe your wife believes your job is one that takes you around the world and requires some secrecy. If that is the case, then you have only to get caught before that lie completely destroys your life. Leave that storyline for Arnold Schwarzenegger movies… and Newt Gingrich.
